Literary Fight Club is where we pit the toughest authors— dead or alive—against one another in a real (albeit fake) battle to determine who is THE SURLIEST AUTHOR ALIVE (or dead).

Louis L’amour (Cowboy Boxer, MMA) vs. (9) David Mamet (Profane Brazilian Jujitsu Practitioner)

Though he was a prolific writer in the western fiction genre, guns aren’t allowed in our literary ring, so L’amour’s most significant work pertaining to these proceedings is his single foray into biography, the excellent Education of a Wandering Man. In it, he abstemiously chronicles his many forays into fisticuffs both organized and dis: He boxed professionally, sparred with the great Petrolle brothers, studied Asian grappling arts, and experienced a few harbor tussles as a merchant marine. In short, he was a mixed martial artist before such a moniker existed.

In the canon of Mamet’s work, only his most recent film, Red Belt, directly relates to the science of combat. Mamet, unlike L’amour, began his martial art training at a relatively advanced age. He is an ardent Brazilian Jujitsu student who has earned a purple belt. But here’s the quandary: L’amour was an accomplished fighter in his physical prime, while Mamet is reaching his martial peak around the age of sixty.

Mamet’s best chance rests on L’amour taking him lightly, and then taking the western author to the ground. Standing up, Mamet stands as much chance as a bottle of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.

L’amour was far too serious and experienced a man to enter a fray casually. He’d witnessed and partaken in enough fights to have learned the importance of vigilance & ruthlessness in combat. Mamet will intelligently look to shoot in on L’amour and force a clinch. Being stronger, younger, and possessing an athlete’s reflexes, Louis is able to thwart & repel the playwright’s advances. He bides his time, looks for openings, and creates proper spacing. When Mamet makes the mistake of shooting for a take-down from too far a distance, L’amour sets his feet and lands a short right hand on the point of Mamet’s chin, putting him to sleep. Upon regaining consciousness a few minutes later, he thanks his conqueror for the experience, and states that he very much enjoyed the experience.

Who wouldn’t?